Copies of Mills & Boon from Op-shops

I have a theory that nothing sexual has ever actually happened in a Mills and Boon book and that everybody who’s reading them just has a filthy mind. I mean the phrase ‘throbbing manhood’ could easily mean a general and perfectly innocent enthusiasm about doing some manly activities like building a hut – get your mind out the gutter people!!!!

Anyway, I found a really large box of somebodys old Mills and Boon collection at an op shop near my place called Posh (basically as the name suggests Posh is there for when you want to class shit up!).  Lord knows why you’d want to chuck these diamonds out. They look almost as enticing as my Mum’s ironing board coverUntitled

(The towel has faded over the years, the dirty great flirt.)

Here are some pictures of the covers which seemed the most concerning

(dude don’t tell her she’s the ‘second-best bride’ or a ‘temporary wife’ to her face! That’s cold)

(Spoilers I think the ‘Bright Idea’ is that they bone. Also the Singing Tree is a terrible penis nickname)

(Dude I don’t care if your uncle is Spanish that still doesn’t make it ok that he’s trying to crack onto you)

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Heathcliff

There’s going to be a mass dance to Wuthering Heights in a few weeks and I’m a bit over-excited about it. Anyway in between attempting to sew Kate Bush’s exact outfit from that video, I found out a bit of trivia* – apparently its a fact that the final part of casting the role of Heathcliff for adaptions of Wuthering Heights is you must do a perfect rendition of the Wuthering Heights’ dance in full costume! Here’s photographic evidence of actors throughout the years who have played Heathcliff nailing the choreography  (apologies for my terrible photoshop ability here)

complete 6.pngLaurence Oliver 1939

complete 1.pngTimothy Dalton 1970

complete 3Ralph Fiennes 1992

complete 5Robert Cavanah 1998

complete 2Tom Hardy, 2009

complete 4James Howson 2011

*I am making shit up just for the record

Dicken’s wife being all mature about the affair

I found these pictures in Catherine’s house –  I gather she is not very impressed with the news that her husband Charles had been doing the nasty on her. His mistress was called Ellen though, so I don’t know whose side to take. charles_dickens_wiki_commons_pd_copyright_expired_drawing_by_charles_baughiet

(that’s a cursive style font up there so you know its legit! These pictures are defs from olden times)

dickensstanding_2130441i

dickens_portrait_1861_lg

Simpson Quotes that would make good autobiography titles

  • My mom says I’m cool
  • If somethings hard to do than it’s not worth doing
  • Well excuse me for having enormous flaws that I don’t work on
  • Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand
  • I do what I feel like
  • Lord help me I’m just not that bright
  • I tried my best, and I failed miserably. The lesson is, never try
  • I wash myself with a rag on a stick
  • Everyone is stupid except me
  • Why, why must life be so hard?
  • I’m not popular enough to be different
  • I’m just going to die lonely and ugly and dead
  • Why am I such a loser? Why?
  • Grease me up woman
  • Everything looks bad if you remember it
  • If you need me I’ll be in the refrigerator
  • Alcohol is a way of life, alcohol is my way of life
  • It takes two to lie – one to lie and one to listen
  • The legend of the dog faced woman
  • A thousand monkeys working on a thousand typewriters
  • The man you trusted isn’t wavy gravy at all
  • Feeling stupid? I know I am
  • I’m a stupid moron, with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt
  • The magical man from happy land! In a gum drop house on lollipop lane
  • Can I borrow a feeling?
  • Can I come too?
  • One trick is to tell them stories that don’t go anywhere
  • I am so great! I am so great! Everybody loves me. I am so great!
  • Past instances where I professed to like you were fraudulent
  • Stupid risks make life worth living
  • Sexy Results

 

Seriously though if your name is Bart you do have an obligation to name your autobiography ‘Give it up for Bang, Bang Bart’

Also I call dibs on ‘Legend of the Dog Faced Woman’

Valuable Lessons I’ve learnt from Elaine Benes

I figured because Elaine worked in publishing that was a good enough excuse to show my reverence for the gorgeous babe with the wall of hair, as well as ensure that all those hours watching Seinfeld were definitely not a waste of time. That cover photo is the David Puddy statue I have on my bedside table– yes I’m that kind of fan.

  1. How to dance like a diamond
  2. The importance of making sure your nipple isn’t exposed on your Christmas card
  3. If somebody cannot spare a square when you’ve run out of toilet paper its very important to get your revenge
  4. Pez dispensers are funny as fuck
  5. War & Peace was not originally going to be called ‘War what is it good for?’
  6. The importance of being sponge-worthy
  7. The top of the muffin is the best bit
  8. If someone doesn’t offer you pie you should dump them
  9. If you’re trying to keep a secret don’t drink peach schnapps
  10. The Urban Sombrero is the height of fashion
  11. Sometimes being described as ‘breathtaking’ isn’t a good thing
  12. Everyone in the city should wear nametags
  13. If someone doesn’t use explanation points you should dump them
  14. Don’t buy jujyfruits on the way to the hospital
  15. To be very suspicious if a man says he has to be ‘up early’
  16. If you don’t like someone’s toupee throw it out the window
  17. It’s really hard to talk to someone if they have a goutier
  18. If you’re trying to avoid talking to a taxi driver don’t pretend to be deaf cause they might catch you hearing

Seriously though, in my opinion she was one of the best written female characters in comedy. She’s also a bit of a style icon to me. I love how ballsy she was, how if she had an opinion she was never afraid to say it loudly. And in all honesty a small part of me was inspired to study publishing in the first place to be a bit more like her.

 

Childhood Book drinking games

[No, I’m not suggesting by the way to do these when you’re babysitting]

The Magic School Bus

  1. Drink every time you admire Miss Frizzle’s bold fashion choices (she truly was the Lady Gaga of the education scene)
  2. Drink if you begin to think about the permission slip system at this school
  3. Drink whenever you learn a fun fact
  4. Drink whenever the class finds themselves in a jam
  5. Drink whenever the bus shifts into something

Madeline

  1. Drink whenever there is clear favoritism towards Madeline (yes I’m talking about you Miss Clavel)
  2. Drink whenever the phrase ‘two straight lines’ is used
  3. Drink anytime you see a Paris landmark
  4. Anytime when Madeline disobeys the rules (such a little shit, she needs boundaries Miss Clavel, get your shit together)
  5. Anytime Pepito is a dick (Madeline and the Bad Hat)
  6. Anytime the girls brush their teeth and go to bed

Green Eggs & Ham

  1. Drink whenever he refuses to eat some lovely green eggs and ham
  2. Drink if you admire him for not bowing down to peer pressure
  3. Drink whenever a word rhyming with ‘ham’ or ‘them’ appears
  4. Drink if you begin to wonder if location of food makes it more palatable
  5.  Drink if you wonder why Sam is so adamant that he tries green eggs and ham. Has he done something to that dish? Like spiked it with laxatives for a laugh?
  6. Drink whenever a different mode of transport is mentioned

Peter Rabbit

  1. Drink whenever you judge Peter’s decision to go into Mr Megregors garden
  2. Drink if you begin wondering why all the rabbits in this book are walking on two legs
  3. Drink if you begin wondering why Mr Megregor would want to hurt a rabbit who wears clothes?

There’s a Hippopotamus on Our Roof Eating Cake

  1. Drink whenever the Hippopotamus stays on the roof and eats some lovely cake

Caps for Sale

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  1. Drink every time the main character wears many a cap
  2. Drink every time the word ‘cap’ is used

also even though it’s not a book there’s also the Mr Squiggle drinking game where you have to drink every time the picture he draws is a bit shit.

 

Poetry quotes that perfectly sum up getting your heart shat on

Sometimes in life you’ll find yourself falling for a person and basically they are a complete fool who has shit taste and they break your heart. But look don’t worry, there are loads of poets that know and share your pain. Read some of these quotes in the grieving period while you’re crying into a KFC bargain bucket and putting tinder back on your phone.

His soul shall taste the sadness of her might,
And be among her cloudy trophies hung
..and drown the wakeful anguish of the soul
Ode on Melancholy, John Keats

I keep on dying,
Because I love to live
The Lesson, Maya Angelou

I won’t telephone him. I’ll never telephone him again as long as I live. He’ll rot in hell, before I’ll call him up. You don’t have to give me strength, God; I have it myself. If he wanted me, he could get me. He knows where I am. He knows I’m waiting here. He’s so sure of me, so sure. I wonder why they hate you, as soon as they are sure of you – A Telephone Call, Dorothy Parker

And why with you, my love, my lord,
Am I spectacularly bored,
Yet do you up and leave me – then
I scream to have you back again?
On Being a Woman, Dorothy Parker

And all I loved, I loved alone.
Alone, Edgar Allan Poe

I thought I was not alone, walking here by the shore,
But the one I thought was with me, as now I walk by the shore,
As I lean and look through the glimmering light—that one has utterly disappeared,
And those appear that perplex me.
I Thought I Was Not Alone, Walt Whitman

With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.
The More Loving One, W.H Auden

And pleasures flow so thick and fast
Upon his heart, that he at last
Must needs express his love’s excess
With words of unmeant bitterness
Chistabel, Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Since my young days of passion – joy, or pain
Perchance my heart and harp have lost a string
– IV Childe Harold’s Pilgrimage, Lord Byron

When we two parted
In silence and tears
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss:
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this
– I When We Two Parted, Lord Byron

In secret we met –
In silence I grieve
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee! –
With silence and tears
– IV When We Two Parted, Lord Byron

So we’ll go no more a roving
So late into the night,
Thought my heart is still as loving,
And the moon is still as bright,
– I So We’ll Go No More A Roving, Lord Byron

When hearts have once mingled
Love first leaves the well-built nest;
The weak one is singled
To endure what it once possessed
Lines: ‘When the lamp is shattered’, Percy Shelley

She weeps alone for pleasures not to be;
Sorely she wept until the night came on,
And then, instead of love, O Misery
– XXX Isabella, Keats

Shakespeare Time 

….since why I love I can allege no cause – Sonnet XLIX

At yet, love knows, it is a greater grief
To bear love’s wrong than hate’s known injury – sonnet XL

Thou art the grave where buried love doth live,
Hung with the trophies of my lovers gone,
Who all their parts of me to thee did give:
That due of many now is thine alone:
Their images I loved I view in thee
And thou, all they, hast all the all of me – XXXI

Thy proud heart’s slave
And vassal wretch to be:
Only my plague thus far I count my gain
That she makes me sin awards me pain. – CXLI

When to the sessions of sweet silence thought
I summon up remembrance of things past
I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought
And with old woes new wail my dear times – XXX